So, this morning I had a session with Dr. Therapist. He is seriously one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life. I'm SO thankful to have counsel by someone I whose thoughts and opinions I value and trust... I'm comfortable there. We have history. I feel like he "gets" me, and I can't say that about very many people. Yeah, yeah, I know I PAY him to "get me" – I know it's his job, but whatever... He earns every penny.

It's SO crazy to me how MUCH parents, in general, affect the type of adults their children become simply by the act of being who they are. Without even TRYING to influence their children's lives, they do... And even "great" parents, like mine, who do "everything right" in the raising of their kids can STILL have such PROFOUND, negative effects that, we, as adults, battle the ramifications of those seemingly insignificant catalysts from our childhood throughout our entire lives.Now, I understand that my situation maybe slightly more skewed being that I was a gay child raised in such an extremely conservative and fundamentally religious household (and by "older than average" parents). I mean, really?! How could that NOT have "profound negative effects" on my life (Duh).

But... even BEYOND the issues surrounding my sexual orientation - there are core beliefs that I'm fighting to rectify – Beliefs that exist in the deepest depths of my soul and make me who I am. And I don't even BEGIN to know how to wage the battle to overcome them...

Beliefs like:

"Love is conditional on what others want from me."
"I'm responsible for other's emotions."
"At the core of who I am as a person – I am 'bad'"
"I am unworthy (of love. of salvation. etc.)"

In realizing these beliefs and facing what they MEAN about me... I know that this is as much a spiritual journey as anything. Of course I realize, logically, these core beliefs are inaccurate – I know that unconditional love DOES exist. I'm not and CANNOT be responsible for other's emotions. I AM a good person and I AM worthy of love and salvation... BUT when something has been SO ingrained in your life – in your BELIEF SYSTEM - for SO long and since such an early age, it's rather difficult to just give yourself over to logic and all be right in the world – I only wish it could be that easy!

I don't know if Dr. Therapist was raised in "The Church" but I do kinda get the feeling that he might have been. He mentioned today that, in his opinion, no other Christian denomination could be more (ultimately) damaging to a person's soul.

Wow.

What a statement to hear. It made me sad. Terribly, terribly sad... Because I knew it was true. And I felt so, validated, somehow, to know that someone else understood the way that feels. And that was exactly it...

I DO feel damaged. Damaged by religion (not necessarily by God) but certainly unworthy of God's love and acceptance (or my parent's... or anyone else for that matter) and betrayed by my church. Yeah. How incredibly SAD that something (like religion or thoughts of salvation) that *should* evoke feelings of peace, love and hope only make me feel broken, sad and angry...

And I'm pretty sure it's not what God wants me to believe – maybe just a Church (and a dad) who thought they were doing His will by instilling fear and shame through their teachings...

I don't know.

So, I'm on this journey, and it's scary and overwhelming and feels impossible to navigate... and I know that I will have to challenge and confront EVERYTHING I've ever been taught and somehow manage to create a new, more accurate relationship with God (or perhaps, more specifically, with religion itself) that will foster love and acceptance and hopefully bring with it a sense of peace I so desperately need to find.

whew.

what a crazy, f-ed up weekend.

that is all.

i'm getting ready to go to the gym this morning. the past two (?) weeks have absolutely KILLED me! I've been eating like crap and skipping workouts, and I just can't do that anymore... my 31 year old metabolism won't allow it. ser-ious-ly.

SO!! Last night was my last night of endulgence... It's so easy to let things go when you're dealing with personal issues. I REALLY wish I was the type of person who regularly (and consistently) turned to exercise and focused my energy on working out in order to alleviate stress (i used to be that person! i don't know what happened) – now, I allow personal turmoil to be an excuse to eat out every night, drink too much alcohol and not enough water.

my body naturally wants me to be where i WANT it to be. i KNOW this.. I mean, it ALWAYS responds very well (and quickly) when I do what I KNOW I'm supposed to do – (even at 31)!

So, consider this my motivational pep-talk...

(Go! Fight! Win!)

Plus, I just can't keep doing this to myself. I feel gross and "blah" and lazy... AND I hate drinking everyday. I do (really!).

PLussss... being single again this is just not good for the mojo, yo (ESPECIALLY at 31)! ...just sayin'